now that i have seen, i am responsible.: August 2010

"you never really leave a person or place you love; part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind."

i take comfort in knowing that camden comes with me wherever God leads me. though tomorrow i fly back to california, i bring this beautiful city with me. i cannot believe the summer has already come to an end. part of me wonders if i made the most of my experience here, but i find peace in knowing this is not the last time i will see this city.

i look back at this summer and am amazed at how far God has brought me. were it not for His goodness and faithfulness, i would have given up long ago. i remember the nights i sat in my room and contemplated flying home. now i sit and wish i could rewind to do the whole summer over again.

camden is a place that brings me joy. it challenges me on a regular basis. ideally, i would move out here after graduation, live with one of my best friends in camden, and work in philadelphia. while i would love to work for urbanpromise, i do not desire to create another position to take money from the organization, and i do not think it is wise for me to graduate from college with insane loans and live off a nonprofit salary.

REGARDLESS,

i will come back to this place. i have established far too many relationships and made numerous

memories. i cannot just forget about camden, new jersey. you see, this city is redeeming itself from the oppressive grasp of the world. it is working within itself to find its worth and value. the old cobblestone streets in north camden are filled with stories of triumph and tragedy. the waterfront contains dreams of exceeding beyond the city's limitations. broadway holds the many footsteps of women, wandering aimlessly and in fear, who strive to make a living through prostitution, not because they want to, but because they simply have no other choice. the roads are filled with pain, sorrow, struggle, and oppression, but these are washed away each time a fire hydrant is opened on a hot and humid day and children find joy as they dance in the refreshment, escaping the reality of their situation for a few hours.

this is the city i love. i carry it with me wherever i go, but not because i cannot let go. i carry it with me for one reason and one reason alone:

now that i have seen, i am responsible.

in exactly one week from this very day and this very moment, i will be sitting in philadelphia international airport, awaiting my flight back to california.

i cannot think of that moment without thinking of the past seven weeks. what started out as a torturous, depressing, and busy two weeks transformed into a beautiful and growth-inducing experience. you see, "experience is what you get when you do NOT get what you want." that said, i got a LOT of experience this summer. after praying that God would somehow make me uncomfortable in a city i came to love dearly, i did not know how that would be possible. somehow, God pulled it off.

and i am all the more thankful.

this summer, i learned lessons from situations i would not expect to learn form.

i got to know the highways and side streets of new jersey very well. i drove to merchantville, moorestown, audubon, berlin, philadelphia, cherry hill, haddonfield, haddon heights, and everywhere in camden. i learned to trust my own judgment.

i spent time alone, not necessarily by choice. i learned to depend on God for comfort and security.

each time i tried to put on make-up, i sweat it right off. i learned to find my value in God and define my beauty by His standards, rather than the world's.

after extreme heartbreak, i thought my heart was permanently shattered. i found that God's love is greater than any love i could ever fathom.

though at times i felt very overwhelmed, i realized that i underestimate myself. God has given me the capabilities to do anything i set my mind and heart to.

unmet expectations left me feeling discouraged. i learned to accept that God sees the big picture; i only see immediate moment. everything has a purpose.

i found joy in belting songs of my childhood at the top of my lungs.

i felt loved when I received a phone call every morning (at 745AM, might i add!) from the same camp kids asking if i was coming to camp that day.

i learned not to take the simple things for granted: cooking in a kitchen that isn't 90 degrees, putting on clothes that are room temperature, not sweating after a shower, being on my own schedule, sleeping in, and having alone time without any interruption.

the above are the simple things that i look forward to as i prepare to head back to california. last summer, i could not imagine life without camden. this summer, i recognize that camden is always with me. it is in every memory that crosses my mind. it is in each word that takes me back to the city. it is in my heart, forever and always.

i do not know the next time i will make it back to camden, but i do know that God will bring me back. he faithfully honored the desire of my heart to return this time. i trust that He will bring me back in due time, whether that is immediately after graduation, or three years from now, when my little brother graduates from pennsauken high. either way, i'll be seeing this city again soon.

long overdue pictures....