the man who can't be moved.

privilege.

we all have it, whether we choose to accept it or not. many argue that there will always be someone who has more than they. more importantly, however, there is always someone who has less. if we each have more than another, how can we be so selfish as to not share the blessings God has given?

today, on my way to the grocery store, i saw a homeless man standing on the corner, barely supporting himself with a cane. a knot grew in my stomach. i could not fathom leaving this man helpless on a foggy cambria day. i never once made the assumption that he wanted money for alcohol or drugs. the sincerity in his eyes and fragility in his posture told me otherwise. i wandered the store for a good ten minutes, frosting and chocolate chips in hand for a cake ball adventure with my nieces, desperately trying to find something for the man who person after person ignored. i knew God was tugging on my heart. for once, i could not deny it. i left the store empty handed, a lump of guilt rising in my throat. as i turned right to go down the hill to where the man stood, i could not help but roll down my window to see if there was anything i could do. i offered food, but he said he needed money for the campground. i drove to the bank, took $20 out of my account, and crossed the street. i knew shelter was not enough. you see, i have the BLESSING of knowing that i will go home to a warm bed with a fridge that, though it appears otherwise, has plenty of food in it, and water that is easily accessible. this man? not so much. my privilege haunted me. i had to more, simply because i could. i did not want to give him a candy bar. this man deserved the BEST. i kept thinking of the passage in matthew 25 where Jesus says "whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."i would not give Jesus my left overs; i would give Him a feast. so, i proceeded to get the nice man a sandwich and bottle of water, though i wish i knew if he liked coffee. i'm sure he would have enjoyed that too. regardless, i put money in the bag with the food and water, drove back to the street corner, put my hazards on, and approached the man.

the saddest part? i don't think he believed me when i said i would come back.

how have we become so desensitized that we can see a brother or sister in need and simply look the other direction? if i am to call myself a Christian, i cannot drive by. my guilty conscience simply won't allow it. as i got closer to the man and handed him the bag, his eyes lit up. i hugged him, and the shakiness of his voice told me he hadn't been hugged in a while.

poverty is not a disease. it is not contagious. it is a state that selfishness and greed has forced people to slip into. we will not become poor if we sit beside someone and hear their story. we will not lose everything we have if we give just a little. we have so much. why are we so selfish?

ironically enough, this whole day i was working on a second wind of support letters for camden. i have only received $100 so far, but i realize that now... that is the least of my worries. i am going back to camden regardless. i knew i would have a place to live regardless. this man did not even know if he was going to have a place to sleep tonight.

God is faithful. He provides, without fail. i do not doubt that the remaining funds for my trip will come. i will not avert my eyes or pretend i do not see the issues at hand. i will do what i can, when i can, and however often i can.

brett dennen accurately describes how i felt in that moment. i'll leave you with a verse from his song "there is so much more."

i wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
while others dont seem to feel a thing
then i curse my whiteness,
and i get so damn depressed,
in a world with suffering,
why should I be so blessed?

&so it begins.

beautiful faces.

give me your eyes.

i can't believe my junior year is over. i am so far from who i was when i first got back from camden. i have grown and learned so much about myself. i came back from my time on the east coast feeling completely alone and hopeless. i have since found a new passion and calling for my life. i can hardly contain the excitement of going back again this summer, but i know it is going to be different this time around.

the more i talk about camden, the more joy my heart feels. i know God is calling me to this city. He has been so faithful in providing what i need to make it back to the east coast. i have a family there. there have been many who are concerned with the fact that i will not be making money this summer. however, i know that God is so much greater than any financial situation i will face. last summer, i had no idea how i was going to pay for another year at APU, but He provided what i needed.

more than anything, i am beginning to get emotional about the end of the school year. God did so much work on my heart. i will always be hesitant to ask God to "break my heart for what breaks His" because, to be honest, it hurts! i never thought i could feel this many emotions for so many different people. granted, a great deal of these sentiments stemmed from putting myself completely out of my comfort zone, but that is where God works the most. i am so thankful for the people He put in my life this semester. i have the most amazing group of friends i could ever ask for. they are beyond patient with me, provide consistent encouragement, and love me regardless of my shortcomings. i have gone through a painful but beautiful process of discovering who i truly am. i have found my worth and value in God alone; i recognize that He is truly all i need. i believe that He will get me through another summer and provide, once again, for my last year at APU. i cannot grasp His faithfulness and compassion. i know He has equipped me with tools to continue to empower and encourage those who need it most. however, i also pray for humility, as i by no means will ever understand anything completely.

because of His goodness, i survived this semester.
because of His love, i can love others.
because of His grace, i can forgive.

currently, i have $100 for my trip to camden. though i still need more, i know God will bring it when the time is right. i have a good month before i head to the east coast. this money doesn't go to my pocket; it goes directly to the organization. i know God will provide.

my current challenge for myself: see people through Christ's eyes. a song that has recently been on my heart is "give me Your eyes" by brandon heath. i'd encourage you to listen to it and try to do the same. God is good and so are His children. ALL of them.

to listen to the song and see the video click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5AkNqLuVgY

you are loved. never, ever forget that.

salt and light.

"you are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. you are the light of the world. a city on a hill cannot be hidden. neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. in the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
matthew 5:13-16

today, i had the privilege of hearing bruce main, founder of urbanpromise ministries, speak at a local church. i always get excited when a little piece of camden comes out to california. it is nice to have people out here who understand how amazing the city really is. bruce spoke on the passage above, which was much needed on my part. previously, in one of my classes, we discussed how we, as people of privilege, can preach the beatitudes from the sermon on the mount. how are we to tell those who are oppressed that when they are persecuted, meek, or insulted, they are blessed? i have been wrestling with this passage for some time now, as i know that the definition of "blessed" has become so skewed. to many, our "blessing" is assured by the amount of material items we obtain. we think we are "blessed" when we do not have to worry about how we are going to make ends meet. according to Jesus, it is quite the opposite. we are blessed when we are POOR IN SPIRIT, as we will inherit the kingdom of heaven. how can i possibly tell someone they are blessed when they are persecuted, when i've never known persecution?

in the midst of such confusion, bruce spoke of salt and light. prefacing the sermon with a quote by edmund burke that states, "when good people run, evil triumps," bruce continued to apply this to christianity. though we embody the elements that can transform the world, we choose to run from the places that need light most. they are too scary. they are too intimidating. they are not comfortable. we want to run away, but...

we are not supposed to escape the world. we are supposed to confront it.

to confront the world, i have to confront my privilege. i have to continue to seek knowledge of how it affects others. i can't keep living in this mindset of contentment, knowing that my eyes have been opened. opened eyes are not enough. now that i am aware of issues of racism, oppression, and privilege, i have to ACT. it is not enough to talk about justice. justice has to be done. it has to be sought after daily.

when i think of the faces of camden, i cannot imagine sitting by and watching them suffer. i want to fight for their justice. i want to fight for their rights to a proper education. i want them to be empowered by their city, rather than held back. i want them to know and truly believe that they can be successful. if this is where my heart is, why do i allow myself to sit in silence when conversations about social justice are being had? why am i so quick to shut down out of intimidation, when surely the mere signs of effort and an attempt to understand is enough to work with? i fear that i have almost become content in this pursuit and act as if i have it all together.

in all reality, i don't.

however, in this situation, i choose not to run. i choose to confront these issues, discuss them, and actively work to make a change. i desire to learn of the ways urbanpromise functions and maintains its impact in the city. more than anything, i want to be present. i want to be in the midst of these issues, walking alongside those who are not heard. but i do not want to be a voice for them. they have voices of their own. i want to be a voice WITH them...

because i know i can't do this alone.