fort worth blue.

"you never really leave a person or place you love; part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind."

i take comfort in knowing that camden comes with me wherever God leads me. though tomorrow i fly back to california, i bring this beautiful city with me. i cannot believe the summer has already come to an end. part of me wonders if i made the most of my experience here, but i find peace in knowing this is not the last time i will see this city.

i look back at this summer and am amazed at how far God has brought me. were it not for His goodness and faithfulness, i would have given up long ago. i remember the nights i sat in my room and contemplated flying home. now i sit and wish i could rewind to do the whole summer over again.

camden is a place that brings me joy. it challenges me on a regular basis. ideally, i would move out here after graduation, live with one of my best friends in camden, and work in philadelphia. while i would love to work for urbanpromise, i do not desire to create another position to take money from the organization, and i do not think it is wise for me to graduate from college with insane loans and live off a nonprofit salary.

REGARDLESS,

i will come back to this place. i have established far too many relationships and made numerous memories. i cannot just forget about camden, new jersey. you see, this city is redeeming itself from the oppressive grasp of the world. it is working within itself to find its worth and value. the old cobblestone streets in north camden are filled with stories of triumph and tragedy. the waterfront contains dreams of exceeding beyond the city's limitations. broadway holds the many footsteps of women, wandering aimlessly and in fear, who strive to make a living through prostitution, not because they want to, but because they simply have no other choice. the roads are filled with pain, sorrow, struggle, and oppression, but these are washed away each time a fire hydrant is opened on a hot and humid day and children find joy as they dance in the refreshment, escaping the reality of their situation for a few hours.

this is the city i love. i carry it with me wherever i go, but not because i cannot let go. i carry it with me for one reason and one reason alone:

now that i have seen, i am responsible.

hope now.

in exactly one week from this very day and this very moment, i will be sitting in philadelphia international airport, awaiting my flight back to california.

i cannot think of that moment without thinking of the past seven weeks. what started out as a torturous, depressing, and busy two weeks transformed into a beautiful and growth-inducing experience. you see, "experience is what you get when you do NOT get what you want." that said, i got a LOT of experience this summer. after praying that God would somehow make me uncomfortable in a city i came to love dearly, i did not know how that would be possible. somehow, God pulled it off.


and i am all the more thankful.


this summer, i learned lessons from situations i would not expect to learn form.

i got to know the highways and side streets of new jersey very well. i drove to merchantville, moorestown, audubon, berlin, philadelphia, cherry hill, haddonfield, haddon heights, and everywhere in camden. i learned to trust my own judgment.

i spent time alone, not necessarily by choice. i learned to depend on God for comfort and security.

each time i tried to put on make-up, i sweat it right off. i learned to find my value in God and define my beauty by His standards, rather than the world's.

after extreme heartbreak, i thought my heart was permanently shattered. i found that God's love is greater than any love i could ever fathom.

though at times i felt very overwhelmed, i realized that i underestimate myself. God has given me the capabilities to do anything i set my mind and heart to.

unmet expectations left me feeling discouraged. i learned to accept that God sees the big picture; i only see immediate moment. everything has a purpose.

i found joy in belting songs of my childhood at the top of my lungs.

i felt loved when I received a phone call every morning (at 745AM, might i add!) from the same camp kids asking if i was coming to camp that day.

i learned not to take the simple things for granted: cooking in a kitchen that isn't 90 degrees, putting on clothes that are room temperature, not sweating after a shower, being on my own schedule, sleeping in, and having alone time without any interruption.

the above are the simple things that i look forward to as i prepare to head back to california. last summer, i could not imagine life without camden. this summer, i recognize that camden is always with me. it is in every memory that crosses my mind. it is in each word that takes me back to the city. it is in my heart, forever and always.

i do not know the next time i will make it back to camden, but i do know that God will bring me back. he faithfully honored the desire of my heart to return this time. i trust that He will bring me back in due time, whether that is immediately after graduation, or three years from now, when my little brother graduates from pennsauken high. either way, i'll be seeing this city again soon.

long overdue pictures....

north camden


federal street

view of the ben franklin bridge from the waterfront

two of my favorites from camp spirit

my INCREDIBLE step team.

stephen & i after he beat me with his glasses case.
talk about tough love.

:)

greater things

since i found that spot on carl miller boulevard (see previous blog), i have visited it multiple times. when i was driving someone home to south camden, i passed by it again and saw a man sitting on his porch. we pulled over and decided to ask him how he felt about the situation. he called the condemned homes "eyes sores" that prevented him from fully enjoying his home. he explained the government's tendency to cover up the issues in camden. one block up, there are apartments with fresh brick laid across the front of each building. previously, these buildings were falling apart. the city simply put brick over the deeper issues beneath the inability to maintain the homes. corruption runs rampant and infiltrates the very organizations who are supposed to "protect and serve."

i had the opportunity to sit in on a panel discussion that featured several individuals who have been a part of urbanpromise for years. each of these individuals represented an ethnic minority group. a good 90% of the audience was white. the audience had the opportunity to ask whatever questions they wanted, and the subject of violence came up. several of the members of the panel mentioned the negligence of the camden police department and/or new jersey police. several of them have been harassed by the authorities for no reason at all. because they fit the "profile," they were pulled over, physically and verbally harmed, and threatened. it blows my mind that the people who are supposed to be protecting and SERVING the city of camden are causing more harm than good. a couple of the panel members vaguely discussed having friends killed because of violence, but the majority chose to stay away from the subject or had never experienced it. there was, however, a young man in the audience from orlando, florida, who was visiting as a part of a work group. when asked about the orlando police, he said they have pure intentions and desire to protect people. my first thought? here is a white privileged male who has NO idea what he is talking about because those very individuals who are supposed to protect him look, talk, act, and probably think just like him. he doesn't know what it's like to not be given opportunities; they are practically handed to him. as this young man continued on his tangent about authorities, panel members' hands began to shoot up in disagreement. it's as if this young man was not even listening to what they were saying. these are real individuals who grew up witnessing corruption. that is reality. i almost felt bad for this young man from orlando, but i realized that so many of the people in the audience still see camden through a tinted lens. there were individuals from pennington, new jersey who came for a week. they live less than 20 minutes away from camden and they spent a week to focus on the city. if i lived that close, i would be here every day. they come for one week out of the summer to show their love for the city. we have become so desensitized and accustomed to our comfort that we do not wish to step outside of what we know to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

now, i am not saying that camden is hopeless because the cops are awful and buildings are falling apart. camden is in the process of reclaiming its reputation. with a community garden and movie theater blossoming in south camden, there is hope. i find so much joy each time i drive (or dance in) an opened fire hydrant. laughter fills the streets in the middle of the day. people yell at each other from across the street, and though sometimes it can be profane, at least they are in touch with one another. they're a community striving for something more.

this idea of community was affirmed as i took a trip to camden printworks this morning. camden printworks used to be affiliated with urbanpromise, and though it is no longer directly under the organization's supervision, UP still purchases all of its shirts from camden printworks (fair trade!). when i went down there, i met a man named joe. joe grew up in urbanpromise; he was one of the first street leaders ("junior staff" as they used to be called). he discussed the many incredible things he learned and experienced through urbanpromise, then expressed his desire to give back. with a new executive director, this could have potential. you see, joe wants to mentor the young men affiliated with urbanpromise. he wants them to understand that they do not have to settle for a life of sex, drugs, and partying, but rather accept that they have the option of pursuing a collegiate and successful life. having made those mistakes in the past, joe is the perfect person to help these young men become incredible husbands and individuals in society. a person who has never had a drug problem cannot possibly relate to a drug addict in recovery, nor can someone who has never drank help an alcoholic. joe would be an incredible asset and addition to urbanpromise; he would stand among the honorable men who already work there, serving as another role model and potential father figure.

i only pray that urbanpromise will continue its turn-around rate. should this pattern continue as it has in the past, camden will be transformed. greater things have truly yet to come for the city of camden, new jersey.

this is a picture of the sky after an insane thunder storm. the weather has been so weird out here, but it was entertaining to watch people run through the rain. i thought it was absolutely beautiful and reminds me that God is still present in this city, though many believe otherwise!

this picture was taken a few days ago. stephen and i haven't had the most time to hang out, but when we do, he doesn't hesitate to act like my little brother. this day in particular, he felt inclined to brutally smack me with his glasses case. obviously, this was taken before that happened. regardless, i thought it was so great because are glasses are similar! it has been such a blessing getting to spend more time with him and strengthen the relationship we had last summer. this is one absolutely amazing 15 year old. i have no doubt that God is going to do incredible things through him. i am so proud of who he has become!

redemption

i was between two worlds. to my right stood beautiful row homes with white fences, clean sidewalks, and trees with the greenest leaves i've seen in quite some time. it looked as if a southern californian gated community invaded the broken city of camden, surrounded by an impenetrable bubble that kept the impure out of their attempt at renovation. this, you see, is not the camden i know, nor is it the camden that the majoirty of the children at urbanpromise know. this is the city's attempt at covering its mistakes, neglect, and corruption. instead of digging into the real issues that are the root of injustice, the government simply built right over them. you see, they did not just tear down an ugly building. they tore down years of memories, pain, laughter, joy, sorrow, and struggle. as i stood in the middle of the street, i glanced over to my left and was reminded of the injustice in this city.
these buildings literally stood across the street from the freshly remodeled, vibrant homes that attempted to hide the issues in camden. when i see these condemned homes, my heart is filled with sadness. i think of the families that once lived there. i think of the moments that they were faced with a struggle of making ends meet or when they rejoiced because a son or daughter passed a test in one of the corrupt and disheartening environments in this city known as a high school. i think of the laughter of the children who sat on these front porches, unaware of the terror their parents faced as they played. i think of the mothers who buried their husbands, sons, and daughters because of gang violence or drug trade. i think of children who will grow up without a parent, bitter and hardened toward the world and God because both did not protect the one they loved so dearly. you see, when i look at camden, new jersey, i do not see a broken city that has no hope for redemption. i see people with stories waiting to be told. i see injustice bursting at the seams, waiting for an advocate. i see hope. i recognize that there are individuals who may be settling, but i truly believe that they are given no other option. when day after day, they walk the streets seeing house after house boarded up, how are they to believe that there is another life? i cannot imagine how it feels to walk by a house that i once lived in, seeing it labeled with "Public Works," knowing i will never be able to set foot inside once more. there is so much more than camden's appearance. i challenge people to look beyond the exterior and read between the lines. i have been challenging myself to do the same, wondering what i am actually doing to benefit this city. i realize that i am one person in a huge world, but i do not doubt the potential impact that i can have. i dream big. i see redemption in this city. i see a community working together, empowered by their own strength and determination, to improve their circumstances. i look into the faces of the kids that i have been blessed to work with, and i know there is hope. i see the twinkle in their eyes as they sing of how great our God is. i see their joy and excitement despite their circumstances. i strive to be like them. it is because of the role each of them have played in my life that i choose to take up the armor of God and fight injustice, for when you put a face and name to an issue, you cannot help but be passionate.

i received a text this morning from my dear friend that truly broke my heart. she said her car broke down on broadway, one of the main streets in camden known for prostitution. while on the street, she saw a woman, beat up, bloody, and broken down, on the side of the road. the most heartbreaking part of it all is that no one stopped to help her. this is the second time my friend has run into this situation; on the fourth of july in philadelphia, she saw a woman who had been robbed and beat up on the sidewalk. philadelphia is very busy on independence day, but on a day that exemplifies the rights we claim to have, a woman was overlooked by hundreds of citizens stuck in traffic. they simply drove right by. how is it that we can walk, drive, or pass by our brothers and sisters in need, simply turning our faces the other direction? this is NOT the life God had told us to live. isaiah 61 describes how we are called to bind up the brokenhearted, comfort those who mourn, and release them from darkness. we cannot do this if we are looking the other direction. do not make assumptions. do not see people as low lives who gave up the fight for a better life. instead, look them in the eyes. ask for their stories. hear their hearts. after all, we are all people attempting to find our purpose in this life. if we are going to struggle, we might as well do it.

TOGETHER.

"this is what the Lord says: do what is just and right. rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or to the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place."
jeremiah 22:3

found in the arms of love.

thank you for being patient with me.

i realize that those who have been reading my blog (if that's anyone at all!) may have been worried about me. in all honesty, i was too. i could not figure out why i was feeling the way i was. each morning i woke up and wondered why i was in camden. i felt overwhelmed by every little task that was thrown my way. i did not feel like i could meet anyone's expectations of me, but after taking saturday to reflect on the past two weeks, i was able to pinpoint a few things.

i came to camden on the 17th so i could spend time catching up with those i dearly missed. to my surprise, i was immediately put to work. i was cleaning, planning, picking things up, dropping things off, cooking, feeding, and cleaning some more. i never got the chance to relax. even though there was so much service, none of it was acknowledged. i quickly became bitter about the tasks i had to perform, because my staff and i were barely thanked for what we did. the bitterness led to frustration and exploded to anger when the same patterns repeated themselves. this all, however, ended on Wednesday, July 1 when I was no long responsible for putting meals together for interns, staff, and street leaders.

i struggle with acceptance. i'll be honest, i want people to like me. yes, i am a happy person, but i am also a very insecure person. when i got here, i came into a group of assistant directors who had already grown close. i did not really have anyone to turn to. i felt like i was on the outside looking in. this was alleviated when the rest of the interns arrived on the 23rd, but to much dismay, i was discouraged again. i am called a "special" intern around UrbanPromise. no one really knows what my role is, as it has not been defined. they just see me cooking and cleaning. even though i am part time at Camp Spirit, i am not there enough to be considered staff. the development staff do not do anything together, as they are all older and go home at 5:00PM. i did not feel like i had a place at UP, and it was incredibly hard to deal with. each night, i would go up to my room and sit by myself. i was not invited to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. though all of the interns were doing training all day and maintained a busy schedule, i was jealous of them. they lived in community with one another. i lived in an attic.

the third issue goes easily with the previous. i went through a good eight month period of receiving daily affirmation and encouragement. the day i flew out to new jersey, those disappeared. i did not have anyone telling me i was beautiful, capable of doing the tasks i was given, or that i was in camden for a reason on a regular basis. i realized how much i put my self-worth in relationships and other people. i needed and still struggle with the need for someone to tell me how great i am, because i hardly believe it myself. this filtered over to my work life here at UP. the tasks placed before me yielded daunting expectations that my self-doubt told me i would never be able to reach. i cannot even count the times i cried over these things. i would sit in my room, contemplating whether or not to buy a ticket back to california. i had the money in my account. i had the different flight information in front of me. i almost left, but a still small voice inside me reminded me that i can do this.

a friend sent me a card with the following verse:

"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." galatians 6:9.

i may have been frustrated by what i was doing, but it was all for the KINGDOM. it still is for the kingdom. i am still here, standing strong, because i know that GOD is my strength. i was in the darkest place a few days ago, and now i am filled with joy because i know that the God i love and serve is greater and stronger than ANYTHING Satan throws in my path. Satan was sure he was going to manipulate and break me down, but God reminded me that He is with my in all that i am facing. Because of this fact, i am smiling and assured of my purpose here.

i cannot express how thankful i am for a few of the people here in camden. God has blessed me with some incredible guardian angels who have stood by me through this whole struggle with insufficiency. if it weren't for them, i would have given up.

to my right is my beautiful friend molly. she has heard me complain of how unhappy i was here day after day. after each time, she would remind me that God does not call us to do what is necessarily easy or comfortable. she would remind me that this is an opportunity for me to be challenged, to grow and know that God is all that will get me through. she would have conversation after conversation with me about the many things i was struggling with; she is my escape from all of this insanity. i absolutely am blessed to have her by my side through this whole summer.
this beautiful girl is my dearest friend miranda. though we were not close last summer, we grew to know each other well through our year apart. God perfectly ordained our friendship; she has been a beautiful source of help and encouragement. she asks me questions and genuinely desires to know the answer. she listens with intent and patience, knowing just what to say to make me feel better. i am thankful for the time, energy, and support she has given to me in the past weeks. without her, i would have given up on myself and this internship before the first week was over.
this beautiful soul is suzi. she is an incredible woman of God from scotland and was my first new friend here. she taught me to drive the yellow van, has held me accountable to many things, and has more patience than anyone i know. she is by far the best listener i have met. she exudes love and compassion at times when i would have walked away. she left me with this incredible verse: "he has showed you, o man, what is good. and what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." micah 6:8. she has changed my life in two weeks.
kameale is my "co-leader" for this trip, and i cannot express how thankful i am to have her in my life. she has wisdom and insight that blows me away on a regular basis. more than anything, however, she has phenomenal intuition and knows when i need to escape. she would invite me to go places and took me to her house to get away from the insanity of UP on a day when i was about to rip at the seams. were it not for her patience in the year leading up to this summer and her hugs throughout the days, i would not have made it through that huge slump.


God easily placed these people into my life to be a source of encouragement, and my eyes are finally opened to that fact. i am coming back to the source. though i have not been as active in my faith as i would have liked, i am choosing from here on out to be persistent in pursing His plans for this summer. He knows more than i know. i only see the small picture. all of this pain and frustration is worth it. now, looking back, i recognize that He is strong in my moments of weakness. it truly takes being at the end of my rope for me to realize how amazing He really is. i was lost, but now i am found... found in the arms of God's everlasting love.

just a few 4th of july pictures...

inadequacy sucks.

expectations often go unmet.

but if i am not honest about how i feel about such expectations, do i even have a right to complain about the pressure i feel?

if i doubt myself, should i be honest and blatantly state that i cannot adequately perform the tasks placed before me?

if i came back for the sole purpose of strengthening relationships but feel completely alienated and incapable, should i even bother to put myself out there?

if all i seem to be is a face in the crowd that provides temporary sustenance and transportation, is this really what i asked for?

if i don't start voicing my opinions and take control of this internship, i will start to count down the weeks that i have left in the very place i thought i'd never see again.

let's be honest...

feeling inadequate sucks.

humility and acknowledgement.

God must have thought i got cocky.

so much of the work i have been doing in the past week has been behind the scenes. whether picking up random items for a golf tournament fundraiser or setting up food for the 40 interns that arrived on the 23rd, i have done just about all of it. i cannot count how many times i have washed the same platters from breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. i have cleaned the kitchen, then watched people come marching through to mess it up again, all the while standing silent.

i am learning to be a servant.

it seems as if many things have been thrown on my shoulders because i am a "special" intern. many of these miscellaneous tasks go without recognition. in all honesty, it sucks not to be appreciated. last summer, i just saw the final result of whatever was handed to me. i did not even think about the stress behind the preparation. this summer, however, i am seeing the other side of things. it has been incredibly challenging to remain gracious and kind despite it all. though my work schedule claims i am to be off at 5PM, i have been working until 8PM or later. today, for example, was a 13 hour day that involved office work, food shopping, cooking, and cleaning. though these are things that i know i must come to enjoy, i can't help but wonder if this is what a life of PR at a nonprofit looks like. i know it is behind the scenes, but how often are these people thanked? have we lost our sense of gratitude? i have written countless thank you notes to individuals who have provided meals, funding, or some other form of support, but have yet to receive one for my boss.

i need to be more appreciative.

i am blessed with the opportunity to be back here. yesterday, however, i didn't feel like it. i was at the end of my rope, feeling discouraged and wanting to go home. i called my mom and cried for a good twenty minutes. contemplating throwing in the towel. i know i am meant to be strong, but i feel completely drained. i am trying to balance my work and social life, but i feel like the latter is being ignored. at the same time, i do not want to build many new relationships with new interns and kids, as i simply came here to strengthen those previously established. camp starts up again on thursday. two days a week, i will hopefully be back at spirit, seeing my kids, reminding them of how great they are. truth? i can't wait.

i can only hope i get to see my kids as much as i want to, but in the past 2 weeks i have learned that nothing goes as planned hear at urbanpromise. i pray that i get to, but i have also prayed that i would be challenged this summer. i guess God is giving me what i asked for.

i need to be more flexible.

i want to end with the following statement that was said to me yesterday: God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

i may not feel like i'm good enough. i may not feel like i am supposed to be here. i may not know the purpose for being here. but i do know that God has it all in His hands.

for now, that knowledge is enough.

my old roommates & one of the urban promise academy graduates. he's headed to college in the fall. the ceremony was so powerful; i enjoyed hearing their personal stories of how urbanpromise impacted their lives. they reminded me that all of this hard work is worth it.
a beautiful mural in south camden, painted by members, young and old, in the community. those in yellow have passed away, but their profound impact lives on.
lastly, this amazing 15 year old. he is truly the reason i came back to camden. if i have any purpose in being here, it is to remind him that no matter what, i will stand by him and remind him that he is more than capable of achieving anything he wants to achieve.
this is my little brother.