humility and acknowledgement.

God must have thought i got cocky.

so much of the work i have been doing in the past week has been behind the scenes. whether picking up random items for a golf tournament fundraiser or setting up food for the 40 interns that arrived on the 23rd, i have done just about all of it. i cannot count how many times i have washed the same platters from breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. i have cleaned the kitchen, then watched people come marching through to mess it up again, all the while standing silent.

i am learning to be a servant.

it seems as if many things have been thrown on my shoulders because i am a "special" intern. many of these miscellaneous tasks go without recognition. in all honesty, it sucks not to be appreciated. last summer, i just saw the final result of whatever was handed to me. i did not even think about the stress behind the preparation. this summer, however, i am seeing the other side of things. it has been incredibly challenging to remain gracious and kind despite it all. though my work schedule claims i am to be off at 5PM, i have been working until 8PM or later. today, for example, was a 13 hour day that involved office work, food shopping, cooking, and cleaning. though these are things that i know i must come to enjoy, i can't help but wonder if this is what a life of PR at a nonprofit looks like. i know it is behind the scenes, but how often are these people thanked? have we lost our sense of gratitude? i have written countless thank you notes to individuals who have provided meals, funding, or some other form of support, but have yet to receive one for my boss.

i need to be more appreciative.

i am blessed with the opportunity to be back here. yesterday, however, i didn't feel like it. i was at the end of my rope, feeling discouraged and wanting to go home. i called my mom and cried for a good twenty minutes. contemplating throwing in the towel. i know i am meant to be strong, but i feel completely drained. i am trying to balance my work and social life, but i feel like the latter is being ignored. at the same time, i do not want to build many new relationships with new interns and kids, as i simply came here to strengthen those previously established. camp starts up again on thursday. two days a week, i will hopefully be back at spirit, seeing my kids, reminding them of how great they are. truth? i can't wait.

i can only hope i get to see my kids as much as i want to, but in the past 2 weeks i have learned that nothing goes as planned hear at urbanpromise. i pray that i get to, but i have also prayed that i would be challenged this summer. i guess God is giving me what i asked for.

i need to be more flexible.

i want to end with the following statement that was said to me yesterday: God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

i may not feel like i'm good enough. i may not feel like i am supposed to be here. i may not know the purpose for being here. but i do know that God has it all in His hands.

for now, that knowledge is enough.

my old roommates & one of the urban promise academy graduates. he's headed to college in the fall. the ceremony was so powerful; i enjoyed hearing their personal stories of how urbanpromise impacted their lives. they reminded me that all of this hard work is worth it.
a beautiful mural in south camden, painted by members, young and old, in the community. those in yellow have passed away, but their profound impact lives on.
lastly, this amazing 15 year old. he is truly the reason i came back to camden. if i have any purpose in being here, it is to remind him that no matter what, i will stand by him and remind him that he is more than capable of achieving anything he wants to achieve.
this is my little brother.

48 hours.

the past 48 hours on the east coast have been interesting, to say the least. when i first got to philadelphia, it felt like a dream. i was repeating the same process as a year before; my luggage even came out of the same place. this time, however, i was doing it alone. the whole concept of "alone" has seemed to come up quite a bit since i have been in jersey.

luckily, i had some incredible women pick me up at the airport. i couldn't help but smile when they held a bright pink sign with my name on it out the window as they honked and screamed for me. man, i needed their hugs so badly. we ended up going on a bit of a detour trying to avoid traffic, but it was worth it! when we got back, the other assistant directors (ADs) were getting ready for dinner. i walked in to urbanpromise for the first time in a year and was greeted with smiles. to be honest, it just does not feel real at all. i'd like to blame the jet lag or emotional exhaustion, but it could just be that i did not think i would be able to come back here, especially so soon. everyone was very receptive and kind, but part of me could not help but feel a bit on the outside because the ADs have already bonded so much. they have a lot on their schedules for the next few days and are going to be incredibly busy. i ended up just taking a shower and coming back to my house to unpack, set up my bed, and relax.

friday, i went to work at 10AM. i got to see the desk i will be working at, then left with my boss to do some errands in the area. we talked about what i will be doing this summer. she wants me to establish a music program, which i find to be daunting. i may be able to sing, but that's about it. she wants me to organize groups of kids to step, rap, sing, dance, etc. to take to churches for the development department here at urbanpromise. while i think this is awesome, i don't really know how i'm going to pull it off. obviously i will try, but she said a lot of this is trial and error, because they have not run this internship before. i think it will definitely be fun working with her, but i told her to make sure she challenges me. that is the whole reason why i am doing this internship. i could have easily done camp again, but i want to make sure that i am growing and being pushed from my experience here at urbanpromise. i want to be able to take what i have learned here and take it elsewhere. i also got to see some of the street leaders that i was closest with last summer. that was the most surreal moment so far. it was weird to be able to hug, talk to, see, and walk with them. unfortunately, one that i am closest with will be at a different camp this summer, but i know he will grow from the experience. regardless, it was so good to see them again!

friday night i was lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to an israel houghton and new breed concert. it was absolutely amazing! i have heard israel's music in chapel at APU many times, but nothing compares to seeing him live. God was definitely present at that worship service, and I felt a bit more at peace about the summer. Israel's song "moving forward" has a lot of meaning, and i was praying and just asked God to have that song be played if things were going to be okay. i was still recovering from the day before, and as i began to feel disconnected, "moving forward" began to play. i left that worship service feeling encouraged but still anxious.

saturday i had the opportunity to go with one of the camp directors and my friend molly to new york. there was a celebrity dentist who was willing to do free dental work for some kids from camden. we packed ten of them into one of the urbanpromise buses and made the two hour drive to the city. with pulled teeth to fillings to cavities, we spent about four hours at the dentist office. the staff were amazing with the kids and a few celebrities stopped by. i pretended i knew who they were, but because they are east coast sports stars, i had no idea who they were, haha! it was pretty exhausting to go back and forth, attempting to manage kids despite the intense heat and humidity. at the end of the day, the kids' mouths were no longer numb, they spent time in central park, and we had a quick drive home. for the most part, i really enjoyed the trip, but the whole experience was a bit hard to swallow. the celebrities did not interact with the kids as much as i thought they would have. they came, took their pictures, then played on their cell phones the rest of the time. it almost broke my heart to see the kids as a showcase rather than a genuine interest, but unfortunately, that's the way the industry is. there was one man, billy hunter, who is president of the national basketball players association, who was born in camden. he actually has a genuine interest in coming to visit the kids, which is great. i hope he actually comes!

some of the kids, fresh out of the dentist chair, with ramses barden from the new york giants.
he got a tooth pulled, but took it like a champ!
molly and i with kevin rudolf.
new york sunset.
the cityscape as we headed back to jersey.

today, i miss my family. i wish i could be at home with my dad on father's day, but i know i have been called to be in camden right now. i am excited for the other interns to arrive on wednesday, but i know i also have a lot that i need to be doing before they get here. prayers for patience, direction, adjusting, and relationships would be much appreciated at this point! :)

en route.

Today has been one of the most challenging days I’ve had in a while. I know God has provided so much to make this trip to Camden possible. To be honest, I cannot even believe I am sitting on an airplane on the way to Philadelphia. For the past few days, everyone has been asking me how I feel about returning to Camden. All I can do is think back to the day I got back to California. I felt completely alone and heartbroken; I knew I wanted to be back, but it seemed so unattainable at the time. Yes, I am excited, but I am also anxious, scared, and overwhelmed. I look back at the girl I was last summer and am truly disappointed in many of my actions. I was a girl who was running away from boredom and thought she would take a chance on some kids in New Jersey. Little did I know, I would fall in love with them.

The past few days leading up to my trip have been interesting. I was so thankful to be back in Azusa with my friends, but I also missed (and continue to miss) my family dearly. I cannot stop thinking about my precious nieces back home. Everytime I leave, I worry that they will forget about me. I know they won’t, but that is always in the back of my mind. I guess the same could be said of the amazing individuals I met on the east coast. For so long, I worried that they would not remember me, much less the words I spoke to them of all the greatness they are capable of achieving. That is truly one of the main reasons I am returning to the east coast. I want those I built relationships to know that, though I may not have originally come to Camden with the purest of intentions, I now have faith in their futures. I believe in them. They will change the future of that city.

While I am beyond thankful for God’s provision, the past twenty-four hours have been absolutely exhausting. I tried to see as many people as I possibly could but eventually ran out of time. I dug myself into a stressful hole of attempting to do three loads of laundry, pack, say goodbye, and get to the airport. Three hours before my flight, it felt like my world was going to come crashing down. I had to make a very tough decision that allowed me to breathe a breath of fresh air, but that feeling was shortlived. I quickly felt heavy hearted. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel like a burden, but for once, I had to take care of myself. I spend so much time taking care of other people. They are by no means imposing on my life, but in this circumstance, I knew my focus would not be completely in New Jersey if I did not establish boundaries. My heart grew heavy and I burst into tears. Though I had three amazing friends with me the night before I left, each fell asleep by the time this happened. I have found that God will do that to me every now and then. He removes certain people and objects from my life to remind me that I need to be turning to Him first. I sat with my head and my hands and cried out to my Father, trusting and believing that He was listening. I kept telling myself God is good despite the pain, but then something else happened: my iPod broke.

Those of you who know me understand that I can hardly survive a few minutes without music, so two flights without an iPod are absolute torture. With many failed attempts to restore my iPod, I eventually gave up, assuming God had other reasons for the damage. The cycle only continued. When I got to LAX, my bag was 57.5lbs, which is obviously over the limit. I tried SO hard to pack well this year, but apparently I just suck at it all around. Luckily, the woman had just started her day and had a lot of grace. She allowed me to remove 6lbs of jeans and sheets without any fees. Praise God for that! Unfortunately, my Dakine backpack can only hold so many pairs of pants, and my PINK oversized bag was not big enough. I have been hauling these ridiculous bags around all day; I cannot wait to ditch them for two months! Regardless, I made it through security and arrived at my terminal with plenty of time to journal and reflect on the morning.

God has an amazing way of speaking to me through this journal I bought. I got it at the APU Bookstore (HOLLER!), and each page has Bible verses written on the bottom. Every time I write in it, the verse applies to my life. In the two pages that I filled before my first flight from Los Angeles to Colorado, the following verses were printed:

"You are my rock and my fortress; for Your name’s sake You lead me and guide me.” Psalm 31:3

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; TEST me and know my thoughts. Point out ANYTHING in me that offends You, and LEAD me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24

In this very moment, God is my strength. I have no sleep and my energy comes from one granola bar. God knows how highly value conversation and led me to great people on my first flight. I sat next to a woman in the terminal who saw that I was distraught. She asked what was wrong, heard my heart, and asked about my trip. I was able to tell her about UrbanProimise and what I was going to be doing this summer. She helped remind me that all of this hassle is worth it. God has called me to return to this city, and though I have a heavy heart, I know He will repair it in good time.

Once on the plane, I was relieved to see that I was sat next to and between four Hispanic men who were flying to Chicago for a week of concerts. Their band performed a variety of music, so I don’t say they were Hispanic to yield assumptions of musical genre. Rather, I include that detail so those of you who know me well can see how excited I was to have mini Spanish lessons throughout the flight! I laughed so much during the first leg of my trip, which was truly a blessing. They asked about what I was doing in Jersey, and I told them how much I appreciated good conversation at 6:15AM. The man sitting next to me simply replied that we are all human and should enjoy each other’s company. Amen to that!

Once I got to Denver, I immediately went for the overpriced low quality coffee. I called both of my parents, but they were busy going about their day’s work. I realized, once again, that God and I are going to be in this together. I can’t keep relying on people to catch my tears; they need to fall at the feet of the One who endured far more pain than I am experiencing now. I only had about an hour between flights, but I had NO idea what I was in for when I boarded this flight.

Once seated in the comfort of 10D (shout out to emergency exit rows!), I found that it would be up to three women and myself to save over one hundred people on the plane if anything went wrong. Talk about responsibility! Well, apparently the two women in 10B & 10C were headed to round two of a wedding that happened yesterday. The newlyweds were late getting on the plane and were actually supposed to be sitting in the 10B & 10C. This bride straight up had her wedding hair still done up and everything! She brought her wedding dress as a carry-on and proceeded to set it beside her. Well, for those of you who do not know, there are only two seats in the emergency exit aisle. The man behind her stretched his legs out, but she straight up went BRIDEZILLA on him because he was “kicking” her wedding dress. I felt so bad for the flight attendant who had to deal with her! Bridezilla was talking back to the nice flight attendant, who got so furious she was shaking in her heels. I almost intervened, because of my incredible skills from Conflict Management (shout out to Professor Anderson!), but I didn’t think it was any of my business. Everyone seemed to enjoy the entertainment, but the woman was almost kicked off the plane. I couldn’t imagine being kicked off the plane that was supposed to take me to my wedding, regardless if it was round two or not1

Anyways, she was moved and we got on our way. The woman sitting next to me is from Philadelphia. When I told her I was going to Camden, her eyes got real big and she looked at me like I was crazy. To be honest, I LOVE when people do that. I get to tell them about the amazing things that are happening in that city because of UrbanPromise. God gives me these opportunities to speak about what I love; I cannot pass them up. I know this summer is going to be incredible, even if right now I feel overwhelmed. Yes, I miss my family. Yes, I miss my friends. Yes, I miss my comfort zone. But when did God call us to live a life of comfort? He didn’t.

I don’t know when reality will set in, but I do know that I am going to be changed this summer. I have a phenomenal support group behind me, whether in Azusa or back home, and I appreciate all prayers that are being sent my direction. God is good, my friends, even when we can’t see the big picture. He works all things for our favor, and in each moment, a lesson can be learned. We simply have to be willing to receive.

two days away.

so much has happened in the past month, and truly i feel awful for not updating sooner. i feel as if i am at a point in my life where i am left to leave everything in God's hands. i always try to have everything in my control, but I've realized that it's better in His hands...they're bigger anyway.

my God is the God who provides. fundraising for my trip had become quite the daunting task. two weeks before leaving for azusa, where i am currently, i only had $400 for my trip. i had absolutely no idea what i was going to do. i sent out two rounds of letters and had not received any funding. on top of this, i had been working on a food justice project for one of the directors of one of the camps. we're going to be teaching the kids about eating healthy and how to manage that in a city that leaves you corner stores as a resource for nutrients. at one point, everything camden related was just overwhelming. at one point i thought, "what was i thinking? how can i go back for another summer?" obviously, those thoughts are not of God and definitely not something i wanted to keep in my head.

i needed to reconnect with my passion.

on tuesday, june 1 i attended a meeting for an amazing organization in my town. this organization has supported my family as long as i can remember. the one event that stands out the most is when i was in the hospital in 8th grade. these individuals made meals and did many fundraisers for my family and i. they are true blessings. regardless, i made my way to the meeting to speak about urbanpromise and what i would be doing there. last year, these individuals supported me without having a clear understanding of what i was doing. this time, i knew they deserved an explanation.

as i sat through the meeting, i was completely in awe of what these people were doing in the community. their selflessness and compassion is truly admirable, and God could not have ordained a more perfect meeting for me to sit through. when it was my turn, i could feel my hands begin to shake as i held the paper with the many facts and statistics about the city i love, but then i realized something: camden is so much more than facts and statistics. it is faces, names, and stories. i folded up the paper and poured out my heart to these individuals who, for the first time, saw the woman God has shaped me to be.

when i talk about camden, this passion burns within me. i feel everything bursting inside. i want to tell everyone about the injustice on the east coast and the hope that i see in the faces of the kids i have worked with. i want to tell them about God's presence and sovereignty in the city. i want to tell them why this city is so incredible. honestly, up until that meeting, i had forgotten all of this.

i am so thankful for those moments when God reminds me of what He has called me to do. within a week of speaking at that meeting, all of my fundraising was finished. i am now going to camden knowing i have brought the organization the money it needs to support me for two months, as well as some additional funding for the project i have been developing.

two days and i will be flying to new jersey. that is so incredibly surreal but i am beyond blessed to go back. during the fall semester, a friend told me i would be going back to camden. i didn't believe her. there was no way i would be able to take another summer off work, endure the humidity, and so on. i had plenty of excuses. my excuses are NOTHING compared to the greatness of God. though right now i am stressed out of my mind and trying to get every last thing i need for this summer, i know that ultimately God is so incredibly good. once I get my suitcase checked in (which by the way, my packing skills are in DESPERATE need of prayer) and make it through security, i only pray that i will experience the same peace i felt when i found out i would be returning to the east coast. while i know this summer is going to be a lot of work and ultimately i am being graded for it, i also know that God is going to transform me once again.

you know what?
i can't wait.


this is a link to "i saw what i saw" by sara groves. last semester, one of my roommates had me listen to it. without a doubt, it describes a great deal of what i experienced last summer. please listen :)
Sara Groves, "I saw what I saw"