found in the arms of love.

thank you for being patient with me.

i realize that those who have been reading my blog (if that's anyone at all!) may have been worried about me. in all honesty, i was too. i could not figure out why i was feeling the way i was. each morning i woke up and wondered why i was in camden. i felt overwhelmed by every little task that was thrown my way. i did not feel like i could meet anyone's expectations of me, but after taking saturday to reflect on the past two weeks, i was able to pinpoint a few things.

i came to camden on the 17th so i could spend time catching up with those i dearly missed. to my surprise, i was immediately put to work. i was cleaning, planning, picking things up, dropping things off, cooking, feeding, and cleaning some more. i never got the chance to relax. even though there was so much service, none of it was acknowledged. i quickly became bitter about the tasks i had to perform, because my staff and i were barely thanked for what we did. the bitterness led to frustration and exploded to anger when the same patterns repeated themselves. this all, however, ended on Wednesday, July 1 when I was no long responsible for putting meals together for interns, staff, and street leaders.

i struggle with acceptance. i'll be honest, i want people to like me. yes, i am a happy person, but i am also a very insecure person. when i got here, i came into a group of assistant directors who had already grown close. i did not really have anyone to turn to. i felt like i was on the outside looking in. this was alleviated when the rest of the interns arrived on the 23rd, but to much dismay, i was discouraged again. i am called a "special" intern around UrbanPromise. no one really knows what my role is, as it has not been defined. they just see me cooking and cleaning. even though i am part time at Camp Spirit, i am not there enough to be considered staff. the development staff do not do anything together, as they are all older and go home at 5:00PM. i did not feel like i had a place at UP, and it was incredibly hard to deal with. each night, i would go up to my room and sit by myself. i was not invited to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. though all of the interns were doing training all day and maintained a busy schedule, i was jealous of them. they lived in community with one another. i lived in an attic.

the third issue goes easily with the previous. i went through a good eight month period of receiving daily affirmation and encouragement. the day i flew out to new jersey, those disappeared. i did not have anyone telling me i was beautiful, capable of doing the tasks i was given, or that i was in camden for a reason on a regular basis. i realized how much i put my self-worth in relationships and other people. i needed and still struggle with the need for someone to tell me how great i am, because i hardly believe it myself. this filtered over to my work life here at UP. the tasks placed before me yielded daunting expectations that my self-doubt told me i would never be able to reach. i cannot even count the times i cried over these things. i would sit in my room, contemplating whether or not to buy a ticket back to california. i had the money in my account. i had the different flight information in front of me. i almost left, but a still small voice inside me reminded me that i can do this.

a friend sent me a card with the following verse:

"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." galatians 6:9.

i may have been frustrated by what i was doing, but it was all for the KINGDOM. it still is for the kingdom. i am still here, standing strong, because i know that GOD is my strength. i was in the darkest place a few days ago, and now i am filled with joy because i know that the God i love and serve is greater and stronger than ANYTHING Satan throws in my path. Satan was sure he was going to manipulate and break me down, but God reminded me that He is with my in all that i am facing. Because of this fact, i am smiling and assured of my purpose here.

i cannot express how thankful i am for a few of the people here in camden. God has blessed me with some incredible guardian angels who have stood by me through this whole struggle with insufficiency. if it weren't for them, i would have given up.

to my right is my beautiful friend molly. she has heard me complain of how unhappy i was here day after day. after each time, she would remind me that God does not call us to do what is necessarily easy or comfortable. she would remind me that this is an opportunity for me to be challenged, to grow and know that God is all that will get me through. she would have conversation after conversation with me about the many things i was struggling with; she is my escape from all of this insanity. i absolutely am blessed to have her by my side through this whole summer.
this beautiful girl is my dearest friend miranda. though we were not close last summer, we grew to know each other well through our year apart. God perfectly ordained our friendship; she has been a beautiful source of help and encouragement. she asks me questions and genuinely desires to know the answer. she listens with intent and patience, knowing just what to say to make me feel better. i am thankful for the time, energy, and support she has given to me in the past weeks. without her, i would have given up on myself and this internship before the first week was over.
this beautiful soul is suzi. she is an incredible woman of God from scotland and was my first new friend here. she taught me to drive the yellow van, has held me accountable to many things, and has more patience than anyone i know. she is by far the best listener i have met. she exudes love and compassion at times when i would have walked away. she left me with this incredible verse: "he has showed you, o man, what is good. and what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." micah 6:8. she has changed my life in two weeks.
kameale is my "co-leader" for this trip, and i cannot express how thankful i am to have her in my life. she has wisdom and insight that blows me away on a regular basis. more than anything, however, she has phenomenal intuition and knows when i need to escape. she would invite me to go places and took me to her house to get away from the insanity of UP on a day when i was about to rip at the seams. were it not for her patience in the year leading up to this summer and her hugs throughout the days, i would not have made it through that huge slump.


God easily placed these people into my life to be a source of encouragement, and my eyes are finally opened to that fact. i am coming back to the source. though i have not been as active in my faith as i would have liked, i am choosing from here on out to be persistent in pursing His plans for this summer. He knows more than i know. i only see the small picture. all of this pain and frustration is worth it. now, looking back, i recognize that He is strong in my moments of weakness. it truly takes being at the end of my rope for me to realize how amazing He really is. i was lost, but now i am found... found in the arms of God's everlasting love.

just a few 4th of july pictures...