fort worth blue.

"you never really leave a person or place you love; part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind."

i take comfort in knowing that camden comes with me wherever God leads me. though tomorrow i fly back to california, i bring this beautiful city with me. i cannot believe the summer has already come to an end. part of me wonders if i made the most of my experience here, but i find peace in knowing this is not the last time i will see this city.

i look back at this summer and am amazed at how far God has brought me. were it not for His goodness and faithfulness, i would have given up long ago. i remember the nights i sat in my room and contemplated flying home. now i sit and wish i could rewind to do the whole summer over again.

camden is a place that brings me joy. it challenges me on a regular basis. ideally, i would move out here after graduation, live with one of my best friends in camden, and work in philadelphia. while i would love to work for urbanpromise, i do not desire to create another position to take money from the organization, and i do not think it is wise for me to graduate from college with insane loans and live off a nonprofit salary.

REGARDLESS,

i will come back to this place. i have established far too many relationships and made numerous memories. i cannot just forget about camden, new jersey. you see, this city is redeeming itself from the oppressive grasp of the world. it is working within itself to find its worth and value. the old cobblestone streets in north camden are filled with stories of triumph and tragedy. the waterfront contains dreams of exceeding beyond the city's limitations. broadway holds the many footsteps of women, wandering aimlessly and in fear, who strive to make a living through prostitution, not because they want to, but because they simply have no other choice. the roads are filled with pain, sorrow, struggle, and oppression, but these are washed away each time a fire hydrant is opened on a hot and humid day and children find joy as they dance in the refreshment, escaping the reality of their situation for a few hours.

this is the city i love. i carry it with me wherever i go, but not because i cannot let go. i carry it with me for one reason and one reason alone:

now that i have seen, i am responsible.

hope now.

in exactly one week from this very day and this very moment, i will be sitting in philadelphia international airport, awaiting my flight back to california.

i cannot think of that moment without thinking of the past seven weeks. what started out as a torturous, depressing, and busy two weeks transformed into a beautiful and growth-inducing experience. you see, "experience is what you get when you do NOT get what you want." that said, i got a LOT of experience this summer. after praying that God would somehow make me uncomfortable in a city i came to love dearly, i did not know how that would be possible. somehow, God pulled it off.


and i am all the more thankful.


this summer, i learned lessons from situations i would not expect to learn form.

i got to know the highways and side streets of new jersey very well. i drove to merchantville, moorestown, audubon, berlin, philadelphia, cherry hill, haddonfield, haddon heights, and everywhere in camden. i learned to trust my own judgment.

i spent time alone, not necessarily by choice. i learned to depend on God for comfort and security.

each time i tried to put on make-up, i sweat it right off. i learned to find my value in God and define my beauty by His standards, rather than the world's.

after extreme heartbreak, i thought my heart was permanently shattered. i found that God's love is greater than any love i could ever fathom.

though at times i felt very overwhelmed, i realized that i underestimate myself. God has given me the capabilities to do anything i set my mind and heart to.

unmet expectations left me feeling discouraged. i learned to accept that God sees the big picture; i only see immediate moment. everything has a purpose.

i found joy in belting songs of my childhood at the top of my lungs.

i felt loved when I received a phone call every morning (at 745AM, might i add!) from the same camp kids asking if i was coming to camp that day.

i learned not to take the simple things for granted: cooking in a kitchen that isn't 90 degrees, putting on clothes that are room temperature, not sweating after a shower, being on my own schedule, sleeping in, and having alone time without any interruption.

the above are the simple things that i look forward to as i prepare to head back to california. last summer, i could not imagine life without camden. this summer, i recognize that camden is always with me. it is in every memory that crosses my mind. it is in each word that takes me back to the city. it is in my heart, forever and always.

i do not know the next time i will make it back to camden, but i do know that God will bring me back. he faithfully honored the desire of my heart to return this time. i trust that He will bring me back in due time, whether that is immediately after graduation, or three years from now, when my little brother graduates from pennsauken high. either way, i'll be seeing this city again soon.

long overdue pictures....

north camden


federal street

view of the ben franklin bridge from the waterfront

two of my favorites from camp spirit

my INCREDIBLE step team.

stephen & i after he beat me with his glasses case.
talk about tough love.

:)

greater things

since i found that spot on carl miller boulevard (see previous blog), i have visited it multiple times. when i was driving someone home to south camden, i passed by it again and saw a man sitting on his porch. we pulled over and decided to ask him how he felt about the situation. he called the condemned homes "eyes sores" that prevented him from fully enjoying his home. he explained the government's tendency to cover up the issues in camden. one block up, there are apartments with fresh brick laid across the front of each building. previously, these buildings were falling apart. the city simply put brick over the deeper issues beneath the inability to maintain the homes. corruption runs rampant and infiltrates the very organizations who are supposed to "protect and serve."

i had the opportunity to sit in on a panel discussion that featured several individuals who have been a part of urbanpromise for years. each of these individuals represented an ethnic minority group. a good 90% of the audience was white. the audience had the opportunity to ask whatever questions they wanted, and the subject of violence came up. several of the members of the panel mentioned the negligence of the camden police department and/or new jersey police. several of them have been harassed by the authorities for no reason at all. because they fit the "profile," they were pulled over, physically and verbally harmed, and threatened. it blows my mind that the people who are supposed to be protecting and SERVING the city of camden are causing more harm than good. a couple of the panel members vaguely discussed having friends killed because of violence, but the majority chose to stay away from the subject or had never experienced it. there was, however, a young man in the audience from orlando, florida, who was visiting as a part of a work group. when asked about the orlando police, he said they have pure intentions and desire to protect people. my first thought? here is a white privileged male who has NO idea what he is talking about because those very individuals who are supposed to protect him look, talk, act, and probably think just like him. he doesn't know what it's like to not be given opportunities; they are practically handed to him. as this young man continued on his tangent about authorities, panel members' hands began to shoot up in disagreement. it's as if this young man was not even listening to what they were saying. these are real individuals who grew up witnessing corruption. that is reality. i almost felt bad for this young man from orlando, but i realized that so many of the people in the audience still see camden through a tinted lens. there were individuals from pennington, new jersey who came for a week. they live less than 20 minutes away from camden and they spent a week to focus on the city. if i lived that close, i would be here every day. they come for one week out of the summer to show their love for the city. we have become so desensitized and accustomed to our comfort that we do not wish to step outside of what we know to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

now, i am not saying that camden is hopeless because the cops are awful and buildings are falling apart. camden is in the process of reclaiming its reputation. with a community garden and movie theater blossoming in south camden, there is hope. i find so much joy each time i drive (or dance in) an opened fire hydrant. laughter fills the streets in the middle of the day. people yell at each other from across the street, and though sometimes it can be profane, at least they are in touch with one another. they're a community striving for something more.

this idea of community was affirmed as i took a trip to camden printworks this morning. camden printworks used to be affiliated with urbanpromise, and though it is no longer directly under the organization's supervision, UP still purchases all of its shirts from camden printworks (fair trade!). when i went down there, i met a man named joe. joe grew up in urbanpromise; he was one of the first street leaders ("junior staff" as they used to be called). he discussed the many incredible things he learned and experienced through urbanpromise, then expressed his desire to give back. with a new executive director, this could have potential. you see, joe wants to mentor the young men affiliated with urbanpromise. he wants them to understand that they do not have to settle for a life of sex, drugs, and partying, but rather accept that they have the option of pursuing a collegiate and successful life. having made those mistakes in the past, joe is the perfect person to help these young men become incredible husbands and individuals in society. a person who has never had a drug problem cannot possibly relate to a drug addict in recovery, nor can someone who has never drank help an alcoholic. joe would be an incredible asset and addition to urbanpromise; he would stand among the honorable men who already work there, serving as another role model and potential father figure.

i only pray that urbanpromise will continue its turn-around rate. should this pattern continue as it has in the past, camden will be transformed. greater things have truly yet to come for the city of camden, new jersey.

this is a picture of the sky after an insane thunder storm. the weather has been so weird out here, but it was entertaining to watch people run through the rain. i thought it was absolutely beautiful and reminds me that God is still present in this city, though many believe otherwise!

this picture was taken a few days ago. stephen and i haven't had the most time to hang out, but when we do, he doesn't hesitate to act like my little brother. this day in particular, he felt inclined to brutally smack me with his glasses case. obviously, this was taken before that happened. regardless, i thought it was so great because are glasses are similar! it has been such a blessing getting to spend more time with him and strengthen the relationship we had last summer. this is one absolutely amazing 15 year old. i have no doubt that God is going to do incredible things through him. i am so proud of who he has become!

redemption

i was between two worlds. to my right stood beautiful row homes with white fences, clean sidewalks, and trees with the greenest leaves i've seen in quite some time. it looked as if a southern californian gated community invaded the broken city of camden, surrounded by an impenetrable bubble that kept the impure out of their attempt at renovation. this, you see, is not the camden i know, nor is it the camden that the majoirty of the children at urbanpromise know. this is the city's attempt at covering its mistakes, neglect, and corruption. instead of digging into the real issues that are the root of injustice, the government simply built right over them. you see, they did not just tear down an ugly building. they tore down years of memories, pain, laughter, joy, sorrow, and struggle. as i stood in the middle of the street, i glanced over to my left and was reminded of the injustice in this city.
these buildings literally stood across the street from the freshly remodeled, vibrant homes that attempted to hide the issues in camden. when i see these condemned homes, my heart is filled with sadness. i think of the families that once lived there. i think of the moments that they were faced with a struggle of making ends meet or when they rejoiced because a son or daughter passed a test in one of the corrupt and disheartening environments in this city known as a high school. i think of the laughter of the children who sat on these front porches, unaware of the terror their parents faced as they played. i think of the mothers who buried their husbands, sons, and daughters because of gang violence or drug trade. i think of children who will grow up without a parent, bitter and hardened toward the world and God because both did not protect the one they loved so dearly. you see, when i look at camden, new jersey, i do not see a broken city that has no hope for redemption. i see people with stories waiting to be told. i see injustice bursting at the seams, waiting for an advocate. i see hope. i recognize that there are individuals who may be settling, but i truly believe that they are given no other option. when day after day, they walk the streets seeing house after house boarded up, how are they to believe that there is another life? i cannot imagine how it feels to walk by a house that i once lived in, seeing it labeled with "Public Works," knowing i will never be able to set foot inside once more. there is so much more than camden's appearance. i challenge people to look beyond the exterior and read between the lines. i have been challenging myself to do the same, wondering what i am actually doing to benefit this city. i realize that i am one person in a huge world, but i do not doubt the potential impact that i can have. i dream big. i see redemption in this city. i see a community working together, empowered by their own strength and determination, to improve their circumstances. i look into the faces of the kids that i have been blessed to work with, and i know there is hope. i see the twinkle in their eyes as they sing of how great our God is. i see their joy and excitement despite their circumstances. i strive to be like them. it is because of the role each of them have played in my life that i choose to take up the armor of God and fight injustice, for when you put a face and name to an issue, you cannot help but be passionate.

i received a text this morning from my dear friend that truly broke my heart. she said her car broke down on broadway, one of the main streets in camden known for prostitution. while on the street, she saw a woman, beat up, bloody, and broken down, on the side of the road. the most heartbreaking part of it all is that no one stopped to help her. this is the second time my friend has run into this situation; on the fourth of july in philadelphia, she saw a woman who had been robbed and beat up on the sidewalk. philadelphia is very busy on independence day, but on a day that exemplifies the rights we claim to have, a woman was overlooked by hundreds of citizens stuck in traffic. they simply drove right by. how is it that we can walk, drive, or pass by our brothers and sisters in need, simply turning our faces the other direction? this is NOT the life God had told us to live. isaiah 61 describes how we are called to bind up the brokenhearted, comfort those who mourn, and release them from darkness. we cannot do this if we are looking the other direction. do not make assumptions. do not see people as low lives who gave up the fight for a better life. instead, look them in the eyes. ask for their stories. hear their hearts. after all, we are all people attempting to find our purpose in this life. if we are going to struggle, we might as well do it.

TOGETHER.

"this is what the Lord says: do what is just and right. rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or to the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place."
jeremiah 22:3

found in the arms of love.

thank you for being patient with me.

i realize that those who have been reading my blog (if that's anyone at all!) may have been worried about me. in all honesty, i was too. i could not figure out why i was feeling the way i was. each morning i woke up and wondered why i was in camden. i felt overwhelmed by every little task that was thrown my way. i did not feel like i could meet anyone's expectations of me, but after taking saturday to reflect on the past two weeks, i was able to pinpoint a few things.

i came to camden on the 17th so i could spend time catching up with those i dearly missed. to my surprise, i was immediately put to work. i was cleaning, planning, picking things up, dropping things off, cooking, feeding, and cleaning some more. i never got the chance to relax. even though there was so much service, none of it was acknowledged. i quickly became bitter about the tasks i had to perform, because my staff and i were barely thanked for what we did. the bitterness led to frustration and exploded to anger when the same patterns repeated themselves. this all, however, ended on Wednesday, July 1 when I was no long responsible for putting meals together for interns, staff, and street leaders.

i struggle with acceptance. i'll be honest, i want people to like me. yes, i am a happy person, but i am also a very insecure person. when i got here, i came into a group of assistant directors who had already grown close. i did not really have anyone to turn to. i felt like i was on the outside looking in. this was alleviated when the rest of the interns arrived on the 23rd, but to much dismay, i was discouraged again. i am called a "special" intern around UrbanPromise. no one really knows what my role is, as it has not been defined. they just see me cooking and cleaning. even though i am part time at Camp Spirit, i am not there enough to be considered staff. the development staff do not do anything together, as they are all older and go home at 5:00PM. i did not feel like i had a place at UP, and it was incredibly hard to deal with. each night, i would go up to my room and sit by myself. i was not invited to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. though all of the interns were doing training all day and maintained a busy schedule, i was jealous of them. they lived in community with one another. i lived in an attic.

the third issue goes easily with the previous. i went through a good eight month period of receiving daily affirmation and encouragement. the day i flew out to new jersey, those disappeared. i did not have anyone telling me i was beautiful, capable of doing the tasks i was given, or that i was in camden for a reason on a regular basis. i realized how much i put my self-worth in relationships and other people. i needed and still struggle with the need for someone to tell me how great i am, because i hardly believe it myself. this filtered over to my work life here at UP. the tasks placed before me yielded daunting expectations that my self-doubt told me i would never be able to reach. i cannot even count the times i cried over these things. i would sit in my room, contemplating whether or not to buy a ticket back to california. i had the money in my account. i had the different flight information in front of me. i almost left, but a still small voice inside me reminded me that i can do this.

a friend sent me a card with the following verse:

"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." galatians 6:9.

i may have been frustrated by what i was doing, but it was all for the KINGDOM. it still is for the kingdom. i am still here, standing strong, because i know that GOD is my strength. i was in the darkest place a few days ago, and now i am filled with joy because i know that the God i love and serve is greater and stronger than ANYTHING Satan throws in my path. Satan was sure he was going to manipulate and break me down, but God reminded me that He is with my in all that i am facing. Because of this fact, i am smiling and assured of my purpose here.

i cannot express how thankful i am for a few of the people here in camden. God has blessed me with some incredible guardian angels who have stood by me through this whole struggle with insufficiency. if it weren't for them, i would have given up.

to my right is my beautiful friend molly. she has heard me complain of how unhappy i was here day after day. after each time, she would remind me that God does not call us to do what is necessarily easy or comfortable. she would remind me that this is an opportunity for me to be challenged, to grow and know that God is all that will get me through. she would have conversation after conversation with me about the many things i was struggling with; she is my escape from all of this insanity. i absolutely am blessed to have her by my side through this whole summer.
this beautiful girl is my dearest friend miranda. though we were not close last summer, we grew to know each other well through our year apart. God perfectly ordained our friendship; she has been a beautiful source of help and encouragement. she asks me questions and genuinely desires to know the answer. she listens with intent and patience, knowing just what to say to make me feel better. i am thankful for the time, energy, and support she has given to me in the past weeks. without her, i would have given up on myself and this internship before the first week was over.
this beautiful soul is suzi. she is an incredible woman of God from scotland and was my first new friend here. she taught me to drive the yellow van, has held me accountable to many things, and has more patience than anyone i know. she is by far the best listener i have met. she exudes love and compassion at times when i would have walked away. she left me with this incredible verse: "he has showed you, o man, what is good. and what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." micah 6:8. she has changed my life in two weeks.
kameale is my "co-leader" for this trip, and i cannot express how thankful i am to have her in my life. she has wisdom and insight that blows me away on a regular basis. more than anything, however, she has phenomenal intuition and knows when i need to escape. she would invite me to go places and took me to her house to get away from the insanity of UP on a day when i was about to rip at the seams. were it not for her patience in the year leading up to this summer and her hugs throughout the days, i would not have made it through that huge slump.


God easily placed these people into my life to be a source of encouragement, and my eyes are finally opened to that fact. i am coming back to the source. though i have not been as active in my faith as i would have liked, i am choosing from here on out to be persistent in pursing His plans for this summer. He knows more than i know. i only see the small picture. all of this pain and frustration is worth it. now, looking back, i recognize that He is strong in my moments of weakness. it truly takes being at the end of my rope for me to realize how amazing He really is. i was lost, but now i am found... found in the arms of God's everlasting love.

just a few 4th of july pictures...

inadequacy sucks.

expectations often go unmet.

but if i am not honest about how i feel about such expectations, do i even have a right to complain about the pressure i feel?

if i doubt myself, should i be honest and blatantly state that i cannot adequately perform the tasks placed before me?

if i came back for the sole purpose of strengthening relationships but feel completely alienated and incapable, should i even bother to put myself out there?

if all i seem to be is a face in the crowd that provides temporary sustenance and transportation, is this really what i asked for?

if i don't start voicing my opinions and take control of this internship, i will start to count down the weeks that i have left in the very place i thought i'd never see again.

let's be honest...

feeling inadequate sucks.

humility and acknowledgement.

God must have thought i got cocky.

so much of the work i have been doing in the past week has been behind the scenes. whether picking up random items for a golf tournament fundraiser or setting up food for the 40 interns that arrived on the 23rd, i have done just about all of it. i cannot count how many times i have washed the same platters from breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. i have cleaned the kitchen, then watched people come marching through to mess it up again, all the while standing silent.

i am learning to be a servant.

it seems as if many things have been thrown on my shoulders because i am a "special" intern. many of these miscellaneous tasks go without recognition. in all honesty, it sucks not to be appreciated. last summer, i just saw the final result of whatever was handed to me. i did not even think about the stress behind the preparation. this summer, however, i am seeing the other side of things. it has been incredibly challenging to remain gracious and kind despite it all. though my work schedule claims i am to be off at 5PM, i have been working until 8PM or later. today, for example, was a 13 hour day that involved office work, food shopping, cooking, and cleaning. though these are things that i know i must come to enjoy, i can't help but wonder if this is what a life of PR at a nonprofit looks like. i know it is behind the scenes, but how often are these people thanked? have we lost our sense of gratitude? i have written countless thank you notes to individuals who have provided meals, funding, or some other form of support, but have yet to receive one for my boss.

i need to be more appreciative.

i am blessed with the opportunity to be back here. yesterday, however, i didn't feel like it. i was at the end of my rope, feeling discouraged and wanting to go home. i called my mom and cried for a good twenty minutes. contemplating throwing in the towel. i know i am meant to be strong, but i feel completely drained. i am trying to balance my work and social life, but i feel like the latter is being ignored. at the same time, i do not want to build many new relationships with new interns and kids, as i simply came here to strengthen those previously established. camp starts up again on thursday. two days a week, i will hopefully be back at spirit, seeing my kids, reminding them of how great they are. truth? i can't wait.

i can only hope i get to see my kids as much as i want to, but in the past 2 weeks i have learned that nothing goes as planned hear at urbanpromise. i pray that i get to, but i have also prayed that i would be challenged this summer. i guess God is giving me what i asked for.

i need to be more flexible.

i want to end with the following statement that was said to me yesterday: God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

i may not feel like i'm good enough. i may not feel like i am supposed to be here. i may not know the purpose for being here. but i do know that God has it all in His hands.

for now, that knowledge is enough.

my old roommates & one of the urban promise academy graduates. he's headed to college in the fall. the ceremony was so powerful; i enjoyed hearing their personal stories of how urbanpromise impacted their lives. they reminded me that all of this hard work is worth it.
a beautiful mural in south camden, painted by members, young and old, in the community. those in yellow have passed away, but their profound impact lives on.
lastly, this amazing 15 year old. he is truly the reason i came back to camden. if i have any purpose in being here, it is to remind him that no matter what, i will stand by him and remind him that he is more than capable of achieving anything he wants to achieve.
this is my little brother.

48 hours.

the past 48 hours on the east coast have been interesting, to say the least. when i first got to philadelphia, it felt like a dream. i was repeating the same process as a year before; my luggage even came out of the same place. this time, however, i was doing it alone. the whole concept of "alone" has seemed to come up quite a bit since i have been in jersey.

luckily, i had some incredible women pick me up at the airport. i couldn't help but smile when they held a bright pink sign with my name on it out the window as they honked and screamed for me. man, i needed their hugs so badly. we ended up going on a bit of a detour trying to avoid traffic, but it was worth it! when we got back, the other assistant directors (ADs) were getting ready for dinner. i walked in to urbanpromise for the first time in a year and was greeted with smiles. to be honest, it just does not feel real at all. i'd like to blame the jet lag or emotional exhaustion, but it could just be that i did not think i would be able to come back here, especially so soon. everyone was very receptive and kind, but part of me could not help but feel a bit on the outside because the ADs have already bonded so much. they have a lot on their schedules for the next few days and are going to be incredibly busy. i ended up just taking a shower and coming back to my house to unpack, set up my bed, and relax.

friday, i went to work at 10AM. i got to see the desk i will be working at, then left with my boss to do some errands in the area. we talked about what i will be doing this summer. she wants me to establish a music program, which i find to be daunting. i may be able to sing, but that's about it. she wants me to organize groups of kids to step, rap, sing, dance, etc. to take to churches for the development department here at urbanpromise. while i think this is awesome, i don't really know how i'm going to pull it off. obviously i will try, but she said a lot of this is trial and error, because they have not run this internship before. i think it will definitely be fun working with her, but i told her to make sure she challenges me. that is the whole reason why i am doing this internship. i could have easily done camp again, but i want to make sure that i am growing and being pushed from my experience here at urbanpromise. i want to be able to take what i have learned here and take it elsewhere. i also got to see some of the street leaders that i was closest with last summer. that was the most surreal moment so far. it was weird to be able to hug, talk to, see, and walk with them. unfortunately, one that i am closest with will be at a different camp this summer, but i know he will grow from the experience. regardless, it was so good to see them again!

friday night i was lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to an israel houghton and new breed concert. it was absolutely amazing! i have heard israel's music in chapel at APU many times, but nothing compares to seeing him live. God was definitely present at that worship service, and I felt a bit more at peace about the summer. Israel's song "moving forward" has a lot of meaning, and i was praying and just asked God to have that song be played if things were going to be okay. i was still recovering from the day before, and as i began to feel disconnected, "moving forward" began to play. i left that worship service feeling encouraged but still anxious.

saturday i had the opportunity to go with one of the camp directors and my friend molly to new york. there was a celebrity dentist who was willing to do free dental work for some kids from camden. we packed ten of them into one of the urbanpromise buses and made the two hour drive to the city. with pulled teeth to fillings to cavities, we spent about four hours at the dentist office. the staff were amazing with the kids and a few celebrities stopped by. i pretended i knew who they were, but because they are east coast sports stars, i had no idea who they were, haha! it was pretty exhausting to go back and forth, attempting to manage kids despite the intense heat and humidity. at the end of the day, the kids' mouths were no longer numb, they spent time in central park, and we had a quick drive home. for the most part, i really enjoyed the trip, but the whole experience was a bit hard to swallow. the celebrities did not interact with the kids as much as i thought they would have. they came, took their pictures, then played on their cell phones the rest of the time. it almost broke my heart to see the kids as a showcase rather than a genuine interest, but unfortunately, that's the way the industry is. there was one man, billy hunter, who is president of the national basketball players association, who was born in camden. he actually has a genuine interest in coming to visit the kids, which is great. i hope he actually comes!

some of the kids, fresh out of the dentist chair, with ramses barden from the new york giants.
he got a tooth pulled, but took it like a champ!
molly and i with kevin rudolf.
new york sunset.
the cityscape as we headed back to jersey.

today, i miss my family. i wish i could be at home with my dad on father's day, but i know i have been called to be in camden right now. i am excited for the other interns to arrive on wednesday, but i know i also have a lot that i need to be doing before they get here. prayers for patience, direction, adjusting, and relationships would be much appreciated at this point! :)

en route.

Today has been one of the most challenging days I’ve had in a while. I know God has provided so much to make this trip to Camden possible. To be honest, I cannot even believe I am sitting on an airplane on the way to Philadelphia. For the past few days, everyone has been asking me how I feel about returning to Camden. All I can do is think back to the day I got back to California. I felt completely alone and heartbroken; I knew I wanted to be back, but it seemed so unattainable at the time. Yes, I am excited, but I am also anxious, scared, and overwhelmed. I look back at the girl I was last summer and am truly disappointed in many of my actions. I was a girl who was running away from boredom and thought she would take a chance on some kids in New Jersey. Little did I know, I would fall in love with them.

The past few days leading up to my trip have been interesting. I was so thankful to be back in Azusa with my friends, but I also missed (and continue to miss) my family dearly. I cannot stop thinking about my precious nieces back home. Everytime I leave, I worry that they will forget about me. I know they won’t, but that is always in the back of my mind. I guess the same could be said of the amazing individuals I met on the east coast. For so long, I worried that they would not remember me, much less the words I spoke to them of all the greatness they are capable of achieving. That is truly one of the main reasons I am returning to the east coast. I want those I built relationships to know that, though I may not have originally come to Camden with the purest of intentions, I now have faith in their futures. I believe in them. They will change the future of that city.

While I am beyond thankful for God’s provision, the past twenty-four hours have been absolutely exhausting. I tried to see as many people as I possibly could but eventually ran out of time. I dug myself into a stressful hole of attempting to do three loads of laundry, pack, say goodbye, and get to the airport. Three hours before my flight, it felt like my world was going to come crashing down. I had to make a very tough decision that allowed me to breathe a breath of fresh air, but that feeling was shortlived. I quickly felt heavy hearted. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel like a burden, but for once, I had to take care of myself. I spend so much time taking care of other people. They are by no means imposing on my life, but in this circumstance, I knew my focus would not be completely in New Jersey if I did not establish boundaries. My heart grew heavy and I burst into tears. Though I had three amazing friends with me the night before I left, each fell asleep by the time this happened. I have found that God will do that to me every now and then. He removes certain people and objects from my life to remind me that I need to be turning to Him first. I sat with my head and my hands and cried out to my Father, trusting and believing that He was listening. I kept telling myself God is good despite the pain, but then something else happened: my iPod broke.

Those of you who know me understand that I can hardly survive a few minutes without music, so two flights without an iPod are absolute torture. With many failed attempts to restore my iPod, I eventually gave up, assuming God had other reasons for the damage. The cycle only continued. When I got to LAX, my bag was 57.5lbs, which is obviously over the limit. I tried SO hard to pack well this year, but apparently I just suck at it all around. Luckily, the woman had just started her day and had a lot of grace. She allowed me to remove 6lbs of jeans and sheets without any fees. Praise God for that! Unfortunately, my Dakine backpack can only hold so many pairs of pants, and my PINK oversized bag was not big enough. I have been hauling these ridiculous bags around all day; I cannot wait to ditch them for two months! Regardless, I made it through security and arrived at my terminal with plenty of time to journal and reflect on the morning.

God has an amazing way of speaking to me through this journal I bought. I got it at the APU Bookstore (HOLLER!), and each page has Bible verses written on the bottom. Every time I write in it, the verse applies to my life. In the two pages that I filled before my first flight from Los Angeles to Colorado, the following verses were printed:

"You are my rock and my fortress; for Your name’s sake You lead me and guide me.” Psalm 31:3

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; TEST me and know my thoughts. Point out ANYTHING in me that offends You, and LEAD me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24

In this very moment, God is my strength. I have no sleep and my energy comes from one granola bar. God knows how highly value conversation and led me to great people on my first flight. I sat next to a woman in the terminal who saw that I was distraught. She asked what was wrong, heard my heart, and asked about my trip. I was able to tell her about UrbanProimise and what I was going to be doing this summer. She helped remind me that all of this hassle is worth it. God has called me to return to this city, and though I have a heavy heart, I know He will repair it in good time.

Once on the plane, I was relieved to see that I was sat next to and between four Hispanic men who were flying to Chicago for a week of concerts. Their band performed a variety of music, so I don’t say they were Hispanic to yield assumptions of musical genre. Rather, I include that detail so those of you who know me well can see how excited I was to have mini Spanish lessons throughout the flight! I laughed so much during the first leg of my trip, which was truly a blessing. They asked about what I was doing in Jersey, and I told them how much I appreciated good conversation at 6:15AM. The man sitting next to me simply replied that we are all human and should enjoy each other’s company. Amen to that!

Once I got to Denver, I immediately went for the overpriced low quality coffee. I called both of my parents, but they were busy going about their day’s work. I realized, once again, that God and I are going to be in this together. I can’t keep relying on people to catch my tears; they need to fall at the feet of the One who endured far more pain than I am experiencing now. I only had about an hour between flights, but I had NO idea what I was in for when I boarded this flight.

Once seated in the comfort of 10D (shout out to emergency exit rows!), I found that it would be up to three women and myself to save over one hundred people on the plane if anything went wrong. Talk about responsibility! Well, apparently the two women in 10B & 10C were headed to round two of a wedding that happened yesterday. The newlyweds were late getting on the plane and were actually supposed to be sitting in the 10B & 10C. This bride straight up had her wedding hair still done up and everything! She brought her wedding dress as a carry-on and proceeded to set it beside her. Well, for those of you who do not know, there are only two seats in the emergency exit aisle. The man behind her stretched his legs out, but she straight up went BRIDEZILLA on him because he was “kicking” her wedding dress. I felt so bad for the flight attendant who had to deal with her! Bridezilla was talking back to the nice flight attendant, who got so furious she was shaking in her heels. I almost intervened, because of my incredible skills from Conflict Management (shout out to Professor Anderson!), but I didn’t think it was any of my business. Everyone seemed to enjoy the entertainment, but the woman was almost kicked off the plane. I couldn’t imagine being kicked off the plane that was supposed to take me to my wedding, regardless if it was round two or not1

Anyways, she was moved and we got on our way. The woman sitting next to me is from Philadelphia. When I told her I was going to Camden, her eyes got real big and she looked at me like I was crazy. To be honest, I LOVE when people do that. I get to tell them about the amazing things that are happening in that city because of UrbanPromise. God gives me these opportunities to speak about what I love; I cannot pass them up. I know this summer is going to be incredible, even if right now I feel overwhelmed. Yes, I miss my family. Yes, I miss my friends. Yes, I miss my comfort zone. But when did God call us to live a life of comfort? He didn’t.

I don’t know when reality will set in, but I do know that I am going to be changed this summer. I have a phenomenal support group behind me, whether in Azusa or back home, and I appreciate all prayers that are being sent my direction. God is good, my friends, even when we can’t see the big picture. He works all things for our favor, and in each moment, a lesson can be learned. We simply have to be willing to receive.

two days away.

so much has happened in the past month, and truly i feel awful for not updating sooner. i feel as if i am at a point in my life where i am left to leave everything in God's hands. i always try to have everything in my control, but I've realized that it's better in His hands...they're bigger anyway.

my God is the God who provides. fundraising for my trip had become quite the daunting task. two weeks before leaving for azusa, where i am currently, i only had $400 for my trip. i had absolutely no idea what i was going to do. i sent out two rounds of letters and had not received any funding. on top of this, i had been working on a food justice project for one of the directors of one of the camps. we're going to be teaching the kids about eating healthy and how to manage that in a city that leaves you corner stores as a resource for nutrients. at one point, everything camden related was just overwhelming. at one point i thought, "what was i thinking? how can i go back for another summer?" obviously, those thoughts are not of God and definitely not something i wanted to keep in my head.

i needed to reconnect with my passion.

on tuesday, june 1 i attended a meeting for an amazing organization in my town. this organization has supported my family as long as i can remember. the one event that stands out the most is when i was in the hospital in 8th grade. these individuals made meals and did many fundraisers for my family and i. they are true blessings. regardless, i made my way to the meeting to speak about urbanpromise and what i would be doing there. last year, these individuals supported me without having a clear understanding of what i was doing. this time, i knew they deserved an explanation.

as i sat through the meeting, i was completely in awe of what these people were doing in the community. their selflessness and compassion is truly admirable, and God could not have ordained a more perfect meeting for me to sit through. when it was my turn, i could feel my hands begin to shake as i held the paper with the many facts and statistics about the city i love, but then i realized something: camden is so much more than facts and statistics. it is faces, names, and stories. i folded up the paper and poured out my heart to these individuals who, for the first time, saw the woman God has shaped me to be.

when i talk about camden, this passion burns within me. i feel everything bursting inside. i want to tell everyone about the injustice on the east coast and the hope that i see in the faces of the kids i have worked with. i want to tell them about God's presence and sovereignty in the city. i want to tell them why this city is so incredible. honestly, up until that meeting, i had forgotten all of this.

i am so thankful for those moments when God reminds me of what He has called me to do. within a week of speaking at that meeting, all of my fundraising was finished. i am now going to camden knowing i have brought the organization the money it needs to support me for two months, as well as some additional funding for the project i have been developing.

two days and i will be flying to new jersey. that is so incredibly surreal but i am beyond blessed to go back. during the fall semester, a friend told me i would be going back to camden. i didn't believe her. there was no way i would be able to take another summer off work, endure the humidity, and so on. i had plenty of excuses. my excuses are NOTHING compared to the greatness of God. though right now i am stressed out of my mind and trying to get every last thing i need for this summer, i know that ultimately God is so incredibly good. once I get my suitcase checked in (which by the way, my packing skills are in DESPERATE need of prayer) and make it through security, i only pray that i will experience the same peace i felt when i found out i would be returning to the east coast. while i know this summer is going to be a lot of work and ultimately i am being graded for it, i also know that God is going to transform me once again.

you know what?
i can't wait.


this is a link to "i saw what i saw" by sara groves. last semester, one of my roommates had me listen to it. without a doubt, it describes a great deal of what i experienced last summer. please listen :)
Sara Groves, "I saw what I saw"

the man who can't be moved.

privilege.

we all have it, whether we choose to accept it or not. many argue that there will always be someone who has more than they. more importantly, however, there is always someone who has less. if we each have more than another, how can we be so selfish as to not share the blessings God has given?

today, on my way to the grocery store, i saw a homeless man standing on the corner, barely supporting himself with a cane. a knot grew in my stomach. i could not fathom leaving this man helpless on a foggy cambria day. i never once made the assumption that he wanted money for alcohol or drugs. the sincerity in his eyes and fragility in his posture told me otherwise. i wandered the store for a good ten minutes, frosting and chocolate chips in hand for a cake ball adventure with my nieces, desperately trying to find something for the man who person after person ignored. i knew God was tugging on my heart. for once, i could not deny it. i left the store empty handed, a lump of guilt rising in my throat. as i turned right to go down the hill to where the man stood, i could not help but roll down my window to see if there was anything i could do. i offered food, but he said he needed money for the campground. i drove to the bank, took $20 out of my account, and crossed the street. i knew shelter was not enough. you see, i have the BLESSING of knowing that i will go home to a warm bed with a fridge that, though it appears otherwise, has plenty of food in it, and water that is easily accessible. this man? not so much. my privilege haunted me. i had to more, simply because i could. i did not want to give him a candy bar. this man deserved the BEST. i kept thinking of the passage in matthew 25 where Jesus says "whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."i would not give Jesus my left overs; i would give Him a feast. so, i proceeded to get the nice man a sandwich and bottle of water, though i wish i knew if he liked coffee. i'm sure he would have enjoyed that too. regardless, i put money in the bag with the food and water, drove back to the street corner, put my hazards on, and approached the man.

the saddest part? i don't think he believed me when i said i would come back.

how have we become so desensitized that we can see a brother or sister in need and simply look the other direction? if i am to call myself a Christian, i cannot drive by. my guilty conscience simply won't allow it. as i got closer to the man and handed him the bag, his eyes lit up. i hugged him, and the shakiness of his voice told me he hadn't been hugged in a while.

poverty is not a disease. it is not contagious. it is a state that selfishness and greed has forced people to slip into. we will not become poor if we sit beside someone and hear their story. we will not lose everything we have if we give just a little. we have so much. why are we so selfish?

ironically enough, this whole day i was working on a second wind of support letters for camden. i have only received $100 so far, but i realize that now... that is the least of my worries. i am going back to camden regardless. i knew i would have a place to live regardless. this man did not even know if he was going to have a place to sleep tonight.

God is faithful. He provides, without fail. i do not doubt that the remaining funds for my trip will come. i will not avert my eyes or pretend i do not see the issues at hand. i will do what i can, when i can, and however often i can.

brett dennen accurately describes how i felt in that moment. i'll leave you with a verse from his song "there is so much more."

i wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
while others dont seem to feel a thing
then i curse my whiteness,
and i get so damn depressed,
in a world with suffering,
why should I be so blessed?

&so it begins.

beautiful faces.

give me your eyes.

i can't believe my junior year is over. i am so far from who i was when i first got back from camden. i have grown and learned so much about myself. i came back from my time on the east coast feeling completely alone and hopeless. i have since found a new passion and calling for my life. i can hardly contain the excitement of going back again this summer, but i know it is going to be different this time around.

the more i talk about camden, the more joy my heart feels. i know God is calling me to this city. He has been so faithful in providing what i need to make it back to the east coast. i have a family there. there have been many who are concerned with the fact that i will not be making money this summer. however, i know that God is so much greater than any financial situation i will face. last summer, i had no idea how i was going to pay for another year at APU, but He provided what i needed.

more than anything, i am beginning to get emotional about the end of the school year. God did so much work on my heart. i will always be hesitant to ask God to "break my heart for what breaks His" because, to be honest, it hurts! i never thought i could feel this many emotions for so many different people. granted, a great deal of these sentiments stemmed from putting myself completely out of my comfort zone, but that is where God works the most. i am so thankful for the people He put in my life this semester. i have the most amazing group of friends i could ever ask for. they are beyond patient with me, provide consistent encouragement, and love me regardless of my shortcomings. i have gone through a painful but beautiful process of discovering who i truly am. i have found my worth and value in God alone; i recognize that He is truly all i need. i believe that He will get me through another summer and provide, once again, for my last year at APU. i cannot grasp His faithfulness and compassion. i know He has equipped me with tools to continue to empower and encourage those who need it most. however, i also pray for humility, as i by no means will ever understand anything completely.

because of His goodness, i survived this semester.
because of His love, i can love others.
because of His grace, i can forgive.

currently, i have $100 for my trip to camden. though i still need more, i know God will bring it when the time is right. i have a good month before i head to the east coast. this money doesn't go to my pocket; it goes directly to the organization. i know God will provide.

my current challenge for myself: see people through Christ's eyes. a song that has recently been on my heart is "give me Your eyes" by brandon heath. i'd encourage you to listen to it and try to do the same. God is good and so are His children. ALL of them.

to listen to the song and see the video click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5AkNqLuVgY

you are loved. never, ever forget that.

salt and light.

"you are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. you are the light of the world. a city on a hill cannot be hidden. neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. in the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
matthew 5:13-16

today, i had the privilege of hearing bruce main, founder of urbanpromise ministries, speak at a local church. i always get excited when a little piece of camden comes out to california. it is nice to have people out here who understand how amazing the city really is. bruce spoke on the passage above, which was much needed on my part. previously, in one of my classes, we discussed how we, as people of privilege, can preach the beatitudes from the sermon on the mount. how are we to tell those who are oppressed that when they are persecuted, meek, or insulted, they are blessed? i have been wrestling with this passage for some time now, as i know that the definition of "blessed" has become so skewed. to many, our "blessing" is assured by the amount of material items we obtain. we think we are "blessed" when we do not have to worry about how we are going to make ends meet. according to Jesus, it is quite the opposite. we are blessed when we are POOR IN SPIRIT, as we will inherit the kingdom of heaven. how can i possibly tell someone they are blessed when they are persecuted, when i've never known persecution?

in the midst of such confusion, bruce spoke of salt and light. prefacing the sermon with a quote by edmund burke that states, "when good people run, evil triumps," bruce continued to apply this to christianity. though we embody the elements that can transform the world, we choose to run from the places that need light most. they are too scary. they are too intimidating. they are not comfortable. we want to run away, but...

we are not supposed to escape the world. we are supposed to confront it.

to confront the world, i have to confront my privilege. i have to continue to seek knowledge of how it affects others. i can't keep living in this mindset of contentment, knowing that my eyes have been opened. opened eyes are not enough. now that i am aware of issues of racism, oppression, and privilege, i have to ACT. it is not enough to talk about justice. justice has to be done. it has to be sought after daily.

when i think of the faces of camden, i cannot imagine sitting by and watching them suffer. i want to fight for their justice. i want to fight for their rights to a proper education. i want them to be empowered by their city, rather than held back. i want them to know and truly believe that they can be successful. if this is where my heart is, why do i allow myself to sit in silence when conversations about social justice are being had? why am i so quick to shut down out of intimidation, when surely the mere signs of effort and an attempt to understand is enough to work with? i fear that i have almost become content in this pursuit and act as if i have it all together.

in all reality, i don't.

however, in this situation, i choose not to run. i choose to confront these issues, discuss them, and actively work to make a change. i desire to learn of the ways urbanpromise functions and maintains its impact in the city. more than anything, i want to be present. i want to be in the midst of these issues, walking alongside those who are not heard. but i do not want to be a voice for them. they have voices of their own. i want to be a voice WITH them...

because i know i can't do this alone.